For my father’s passing, four years on

DSC00495My father passed away on February 11th of 2009.

It was a Wednesday.

That previous night, my two brothers and my wife had visited him in the hospital.  I made a wrong assumption — that my father would be alive the next day.

I can clearly hear my wife whispering to me that night, before we left: “kiss your father.”

Like the bastard I am, I didn’t.

I thought he would, like the survivor he was, be around the next day.

I was wrong.

He passed away at 0330 hrs., early Wednesday morning, February 11th of 2009.

My brother received the call.  Then he called me.  Luckily, our eldest brother was already in town.

My wife wisely told me to kiss my Dad goodbye, and I didn’t.  And I will regret that small, seemingly insignificant act, for the rest of my damnable life.

It kills me, even now, four years later.  I still have my father’s things scattered in my office on the second floor of my cabin.  I haven’t moved them in four years.

There must be something wrong with me.

It still hurts.

BZ

 

 

13 thoughts on “For my father’s passing, four years on

  1. There is not a damn thing wrong with you. It will hurt for the rest of your life — and that is testament to your love; a love your father felt. Don’t beat yourself up over the kiss. He felt your love.

    btw, I put that link you wanted on the comment thread over at my place.

    Raising a glass to your father. He raised a good son.

  2. Once again, I render a salute, 4.0 in honor of your father’s service to this country, and to honor you and your family, BZ.

    Ooyah!

  3. Hang in there my friend, you are, at times, an optimist… I went through similar with my mother… I could have been there a day earlier but I told everyone that she was NOT going to go anywhere until I got there… And that was what she did… She was hanging on, until I got there, and then she smiled and gave up…

    • I suspect that’s what happened with Dad, that last night. He had all his boys with him, and my wife, and I think that’s what he wanted. I didn’t see that, and should have understood.

      BZ

  4. You were in denial my friend. Kissing him would have been tacit admission that he was going to pass, and to you that was unthinkable.
    We’ve all been in that boat, over one thing or another.
    You were there. He knew it and knew you loved him.
    Forgive yourself… you did nothing wrong.

  5. DAMN,,,you are NOT at fault.
    There was nothing you could or can do.
    Life is life.
    Honor it ,,,nothing more.
    You did good, Nothing to remorse or regret.
    So chin up…
    I need you on the front line now to repel the forces who are at the walls trying to defeat us with their “liberal ways.
    Stand up, repel them!!!

  6. It is so wonderful that you care but please stop feeling guilty. We all wish we would have done some things differently in the past. Be happy you had a loving relationship with your father as not everyone is that fortunate. It says a lot about you that you still are writing about this day.

  7. I still have my father’s things scattered in my office on the second floor of my cabin. I haven’t moved them in four years.

    There must be something wrong with me.

    There is nothing wrong with you! Grieving is a process of stages, and we don’t move through those stages in a uniform way.

    Although I have no regrets regarding my behavior in my parents’ final days, even now — 15 years after Dad died and 25 years after Mom died — it breaks my heart to look at their pictures.

    I have no problem with having their possessions around me, though. They comfort me.

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