Cloverfield

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I so wanted to enjoy this movie!

I’m a child of the ’50s, literally raised on monster movies. The trailers looked enticing. Something of a modern-day Godzilla with current CG technology? I couldn’t wait!

I saw Cloverfield the weekend it opened.

When it finished, just shy of 90 minutes later, my wife was physically sick and I had to relinquish my next movie pick. I was not pleased.

JJ Abrams, involved with the TV series Lost (which I actually enjoy) seems to think that “cheap” is the way to go. Don’t get me wrong; there were a few compelling scenes in the film. But a few scenes does not an excellent movie make.

Problem # 1:
The Shaky Video Camera Syndrome (a la Blair Witch Project) is SO passe. It is SO yesterday and, now, overdone. No one told us: the ENTIRE film is based upon one asshole holding a videocam and — moreover, the shaking NEVER FUCKING STOPS. It only gets worse. It made my wife physically sick, which is why I write this post to warn others.

Problem # 2:
Beginning with the SVCS, in a film that is under 90 minutes, the entire lead-up to the actual realization is not only banal, it is beyond boring. JJ: dude, your characters are cardboard. The “party shots” go on and on and on — oh, let me be generous — about FIFTEEN MINUTES TOO LONG. Because of this, you force the audience to not give a shit about who lives or who dies. Your two male leads look too much like each other. I know: let’s not only piss off the audience, but let’s confuse them.

Problem #3:
If your characters are representative of this current generation, with limited vocabularies such as you display, then I recommend the monster and its concomitant louses kill all of our kids. Kill them all. They have not the mental capacity or verbosity to deserve life.

BOTTOM LINE:
Don’t spend your $10 on this movie. And even when it comes to DVD, hold it at arms-length. Trust me: it’ll get stamped to DVD in a month or two, discounted by Costco or Sam’s Club. Rent it, don’t buy it. You’ll thank me for the savings you incurred.

BZ
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12 thoughts on “Cloverfield”

  1. Thanks for the heads up BZ. The previews looked enticing. I hate that shaky “video camera” crap in movies; drives me nuckin’ futs. I guess that some producers/directors are more keen on churning out a movie on a budget that has a “catch,” than turning out a quality product.

  3. I never go to the theater, BZ, but thanks for the warning anyway. My daughter loves monster movies and might have been tempted to rent it from Net Flix. I’ll send her an e-mail “heads up.” It does indeed sound disgusting and a waste of time and money.

  5. I just looked over the last 3 posts. Great posting as usual.

    Thanks for the heads up on this. I used to like scary movies, but don’t anymore. Maybe because my hubby doesn’t, it is just one of those things that rubs off on you.

    Now I really don’t want to see it.

    Loved your post on McCain and Limbaugh not supporting a candidate this round.

  6. I just looked at your sitemeter.. 91 is the avg. looker on your blog.. wow.. that is great! mine is finally past 22. I was looking to get a ‘reality’ check on how far I have to go… ;~)

  8. I have not seen it yet, but I might rent the video. Though a woman I work with was wowed by it and talked about how great it was all day, but to be honest, I don’t much care for most horror movies.

  11. Sure: they never say. Never say or hint what it is or where it comes from. All you know is that it is HUGE, has mutiple legs, a tail, a mouth, and louse-like parasites that fall from it, wherever it goes. The parasites, by themselves, are a handful and, if bitten by one, you’re to explode in a rain of blood over time.

    BZ

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