Mad-Man

Posted on by


I am a mad-man. I am posting my true thoughts.

I didn’t believe in God. I used to label myself, in my Leftist pre- and-college days, at best an Agnostic. Many days an out-and-out Atheist. I couldn’t believe that any true greater being would allow wars and death and utter annihilations of entire civilizations. A flood. The existence of Hell.

I can remember penning a short story in the early 70s for a university writing class where the ruling religious government, oppressive of course, walled people off in clustered high-rises, squashing them together, and forcing them to attend religious functions. The protagonist found a way out of the city and discovered miles and miles and miles of endless beautiful forests and mountains and valleys that only the ruling members of the religion ever experienced. I don’t suppose you’d be surprised if I told you I received an A for my grade. In retrospect the premise sounds more Left than Right and applicable, these days specifically, to the Religious Left. How odd.

Twenty years passed. Thirty years passed. And more.

I didn’t give God much thought. Truly if at all. Until people started dying around me. My grandparents died. Reagan died. A friend died, shot at an ATM in a robbery. Warren Zevon died. My mother died. And finally my father died.

Bad things happened, more than I care to regale here. They clumped up. In 2009 following my father’s death, my behavior became this: I would drive around in the middle of the night, for hours. I couldn’t sit or lay still. One late night, last year, I was driving and started talking to God as if He weren’t listening. I rambled on. I just kept talking and talking. I had made major mistakes in my Life and laid it all out. I was, for a change, more honest than I’d been in forty years. Or more. I ended up, oblivious, more than two hundred miles from my house in the darkness.

God replied to me in a sentence: “I’m glad to hear you.”

It was in my brain. I hadn’t expected any kind of response. I remember those five words. I was more than shocked. I was fully awake.

Since then, the Lord speaks to me at night, mostly, when I am alone and distraught and in dire straights and in need.

So clearly, I am a raving nutter.

I can, in the middle of my darkest nights, strike up a conversation with Him and He replies?

Am I insane?

Or is He really there?

He has already shown me my Grandmother, and then my Mother, in dreams.

He has answered some convoluted questions — but many more exist.

He tells me the things I don’t want to hear, but I know I must. I am either addled or blessed. I speak to Him at night at the drop of a hat. How is this even remotely possible?

No matter what way, I am starting to settle and realize my blessings. Perhaps this is the foundation of Faith. This either happens or it doesn’t. I either believe it or I don’t.

My soul, I think, has quieted a bit. And yet I find this, at once, both comforting and disturbing. But I either believe it or I don’t.

I choose to believe.

BZ



 Share
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

22 thoughts on “Mad-Man”

  1. Blessed you are, in in a world that spends little or no time trying to understand why they think what they think or why they feel what they feel. a whole bigger, better, more colorful world has opened up to you by a conversation you thought was one sided. Glad you found out otherwise.

  3. I believe it was the mathematician von Neumann who, in an interview, told the interviewer that he heard voices in his head. The interviewer was shocked and asked why they hadn’t driven him mad. His answer was plain and simple: I don’t pay any attention to them.

    I have tinnitus, not a horrific case but present throughout my life. I don’t pay any attention to it as it is just a background tone in all I hear.

    If God works through being open to life and doing what needs to be done, then I have done that all my life and always seem to be doing the right thing at the right place at the right time. I couldn’t tell you why I do the things I do… why I’ve blogged, why I’ve gotten an interest in firearms, and now an interest in carpentry and machining from the ground up. I’m really not fit nor able enough (although I am skilled enough) to do these things… so I do them.

    Why?

    I dunno!

    And yet I always do seem to have just what is needed at the right time in my life so many times that it isn’t funny… just doing what is obvious or feels right. Not what feels nice or pleasureable, mind you, but right.

    Does that mean God works through me?

    No idea!

    Perhaps I’m just experiencing part of the Noosphere… willing hands for necessary jobs.

    I don’t get the direct messages sort of deal, never have figured out that sort of thing. But doing the obvious and what feels right? It works and I keep on doing it, and that is satisfying even when offering little pleasure.

  4. I don’t think you’re a nutter at all… well, not more than any of us.

    Speaking to God comes from the heart. How you hear Him is up to you. I know a few people that claim that they hear an actual voice when talking to Him. Not just in their heads… an actual voice. Smart, honest and frank people with good jobs. In short, I believe them. Nothing to worry about unless He starts ordering things on the value menu at McDonalds. THEN, you might have need to have a “lie down” and talk to someone.

  7. AJ: and if that fits and works, then there is no questioning success and mental ease.

    Jinksto: He hasn’t demanded I check out the frozen crab legs at Costco yet, that much I know. . .

    Fred, thanks.

    Susannah: thanks for visiting and commenting. I’m waiting to see where this is going.

    BZ

  12. BZ –

    He’s always been there, listening, even when you weren’t talking to him.

    Here’s my take on it – we each have the path we’re suppose to follow in life, the one that God wants us to follow but he gives us the freedom to get there however we will, or, to not get there at all.

    Your trip has been your trip for a reason, my friend.

    There’s a book out there that you might find interesting. It’s called The Shack by William P Young. It’s about a man searching for answers during a crisis of faith.

    Welcome back.

    cjh

  13. Not ONE BIT surprised, BZ, but I am overjoyed. Sounds so much like the story of someone Steve Brown over at Key Life (www.keylife.org) told about. He loves you more than you can imagine, BZ. You’re such a blessing to me.

  14. Do you read the word? If not, please begin reading, it may give you some answers to your questions. Someone the other day asked me how I know God is speaking to me. You just know. I don’t always know if it is Him or my flesh. At those times, He usually reveals to me by an experience or by someone confirming it was Him by something they say to me and then again reading the word may provide discernment. Since I rededicated myself at the age of 42, these past 14 years have been the best years of my life. Oh, I have had my storms, but the Lord has calmed the storms making it easier to ride them out. I have not had a full time job for over a year now. My bills have not changed, my paycheck has, however God has seen me through this time with others being led to help me financially. You wouldn’t believe some of the testimonies that I have, sometimes it is hard for me to believe it! God blows me away! Blessings to you and yours BZ. Thank you for sharing this post.

  15. babysteps … now that you have decided to have faith you need to decide what to do with it.

    I’m sure you know what I would suggest, and I’m equally sure you would want to explore this in a clinical manner; all I can say is don’t take too long to make a decision, or the decision will be made for you.

  16. cj: how interesting you should mention The Shack. I started reading it about two years ago, put it down, picked it up and, finally, found myself intrigued but still confused.

    Cary, I’ve made a decision but I’m pretty certain I don’t quite understand it. And Bubbles, I’ve tried, but I still don’t have much understanding of it either. It intrigues me in terms of history and the parables, but my problem is I’m more of a Concretist. I’m just left with needing more understanding, perhaps more interpretation or explanation. I am finding myself pretty much overwhelmed.

    BZ

  17. BZ, Faith takes the place of concrete evidence. Do you believe that George Washington was the 1st president? There is no concrete evidence, other than history books and maybe a piece of paper with his signature on it. How do we know that if there is such a document that it is actually his writing. We have faith that what is written in the history books is accurate, that was written by men. The Bible is a history book written by men that the Lord chose. I just picked up an NLT Bible and it is very easy to understand. Actually, it has clarified some things that I haven’t understood. One thing about having faith and reading the Word, you are always learning and growing emotionally, spiritually. If there is anything that I can do to help you out, don’t hesitate to ask. I may not have all the answers, but I can find out. Ask the Lord to give you understanding and see what He does? He may not answer overnight and then again He may answer right away. Back in 2002I asked the Lord on May 7, Tues on my way to work. “If I am not suppose to be here, take me out”? I got fired that afternoon. I was so happy, I shook the Director of Nursings hand and said “Thank you, Thank you!” She started to walk me to my office to escort me out. She got half way down the hall and turned and walked away. I praised and worshipped God all the way home. I parked my car and said, “Now what do I do?” I heard Him say, “wait upon me”. I didn’t, I got up the next morning and went to apply for two jobs, got turned away. I said to the Lord, “I know You said to wait upon You.” I did, two weeks later, I got a job in a Christian nursing facility, making more money. I was sent there by a man that I had met and struck up a conversation with him about how I got fired. He told me to go to this place in the morning and I would have a job. He was right, they hired me on the spot! That’s faith! Love you BZ

Comments are closed.