1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask: “Do you want fries with that?”
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks at work. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, immediately switch to Espresso the next morning.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write: “For smuggled diamonds.”
7. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a really serious face.
9. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
10. Sing along when you attend the opera.
11. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
13. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
14. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Bottom.”
15. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream: “I won, I won!!”
16. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling: “Run for your life, they’re loose!”
17. Tell your children over dinner: “Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go.”
HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR PORN STAR NAME:
Your first name should be the name of your first pet: ________________.
Your second name should be the first street you ever lived on: _____________.
What’s your porn star name?
Salud!
BZ
Note to Readers: I am simply “politicked-out” today. . .
Hello there BZ, I am Pokey Detroit! How can I entertain you? LOL. Hey, you asked, I told.
Some Fred Thompsonisms:
* Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions pronounced “nuclear” correctly.
* Fred Thompson has blasted more people in the face with a shotgun than even Dick Cheney.
* The masked executioner of Saddam Hussein: Fred Thompson.
* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.
* Fred Thompson is the only person to have ever bested Miyamato Mushashi in a duel. The reason Musashi is so vague about the book of the void is because the fifth ring of combat is really Fred Thompson.
* The reason Fred Thompson didn’t want to stay in the Senate for long is because all the extra scrutiny kept him from doing his favorite hobby: Prowling the streets at night killing drug dealers.
* Every night before going to sleep, Osama bin Laden checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.
* Fred Thompson took over what was Al Gore’s Senate seat, thereby dramatically reducing the Senate’s carbon footprint. Fred Thompson then created carbon offset offsets by wastefully burning hippies.
* The Fremen consider “Fred Thompson” a killing word.
* Fred Thompson reconsidered running for reelection after 9/11 but later decided to handle things on his own. He was soon seen entering the Middle East with a bottle of tequila in one hand an a handgun in the other. They’re still counting the dead.
* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn’t stopped wetting his pants.
* Fred Thompson’s gaze can kill small animals.
* Fred Thompson once ended a filibuster by ripping out a Senator’s heart and showing it to him before he died.
* The actual cause of global warming: Fred Thompson’s burning rage.
* The budget to Law & Order was dramatically increased when Fred Thompson was added to the cast because he has to be digitally inserted into the scenes since anytime he’s near Hollywood liberals, he kills them.
* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.
* Fred Thompson once stood on our south border and glared at Mexico. There was no illegal immigration for a month.
* Scientists predict that when Fred Thompson dies he’ll explode taking out the five nearest planets before collapsing into a black hole.
* At a campaign stop, a Belgian Hound tried to hump Fred Thompson’s leg. That breed of dog no longer exists.
* Fred Thompson vows not only to win in Iraq but also to forcefully free Vietnam from Communism, thus giving America a perfect win/loss record for wars again.
* If you purchase a weather radio, it will wake you up with an alarm to warn you when Fred Thompson is pissed off.
* An abortion doctor tried to kill Fred Thompson when he was still in the womb, but he cut off the man’s hand with scalpel while shouting, “Do you know who I am? I’m Fred Thompson!”
* Webster’s Dictionary defines “conservatism” as “how closely one’s views resemble those of Fred Thompson.”
* Fred Thompson’s sense of strategy is so great that he can checkmate you using only a pawn and a knight.
* Fred Thompson can know both the exact position and momentum of a particle. Furthermore, he knows Schroedinger’s cat is dead because he personally strangled it.
* The most efficient airline security is to have Fred Thompson stare down everyone entering a plane.
* When terrorists get to the afterlife, they’ll find that none of their seventy-two women are still virgins. Why? Because of Fred Thompson.
* Fred Thompson can open clamshell packaging without the slightest trouble.
* In a butterfly ballot, no matter where you punch it the vote goes to Fred Thompson.
* Why does Iran want nuclear weapons? Out of fear of Fred Thompson.
* Some versions of the Bible have Mathew 5:5 read, “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth… unless Fred Thompson wants it.”
My porn name is Mike Parma. I’m very dissapointed. These tits are a waste then I guess.
Pokey Detroit? Of the Michigan Detroits? Welcome aboard!
TF: Aaaaaah! I really LIKE those Thompsonisms. If only we could get HIM to run!
Jenn: hmm. Sometimes the names work really well, sometimes they don’t. . .
BZ
I just gotta use this one, and I know just the place…
“Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a really serious face.”
Thanks BZ …
I’ve heard a lot of buzz that Fred is going to run… let’s hope.
Nightcrawler: know what? From what I know about Fred at this point, I’d vote for him over any other candidate.
BZ
Thanks, BZ – I was in desperate need of a laugh today. You’re the best.
Beachbitch a/k/a Nancy
I was in desperate need of a laugh, BZ. Thanks for coming through for me.