Change

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“What a long, strange trip it’s been.”
Truckin’, by The Grateful Dead
I recently returned from an ocean trip with my fiance to the Fornicalia coast. We saw the crashing twenty-foot winter waves assaulting the cliffs of Mendocino. We stayed in a hotel with a jetted hot tub just underneath a window providing a western view to the Pacific and the jetties lining the entrance to Noyo Harbor. The photo below is what I saw through the window.
Adjacent to the tub was a gas fireplace. At dusk the gulls and other birds wheeled by at eye-level whilst the waves pounded, the surf hissed as we listened through the slightly open patio door, and we watched the sun dissolve into the horizon as the fog approached, a foghorn sounding.
And yet, despite that, there is a serious unease I sense in my world. What should be comforting and relaxing merely delayed what I somehow knew was coming, lurking, hulking, in the back of my mind. A sense of something more than myself, of anxiety, of a pressing, looming presence, that nagged at the back of my brain while I attempted to enjoy my fiance and the surroundings.
It wasn’t until I had gotten home a few nights ago that I recalled the significance of this new year; it wasn’t that I hadn’t made resolutions. No; I had made them and then, buttressed by this feeling, decided that I was going to take these resolutions most seriously. I would change my health patterns entirely.
It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the source of my bad feelings.
I awakened at 4:30 am, sat bolt upright in bed and put on my clothes. It was pitch dark outside, the pines slightly blowing. I checked the thermometer: 25-degrees. I felt enclosed, trapped in the bedroom. I had to get outside. I grabbed the keys and began driving and thinking.
And then it came to me, the reason for my anxiety: it was 2007.
In my life, as far back as I can recall, very bad things have occurred to me in years ending with the number 7. To mention a few things not too private to express in public:
  • 1977: I ended a tumultuous relationship with a serious girlfriend and lost my job;
  • 1987: I was told my wife wanted a divorce; I got into a major accident on I-5, that made my vehicle a full 2′ less wide than when issued from the factory; I was shot at twice while on my new job;
  • 1997: I had some other personal experiences that almost completely severed the relationship with my parents; I had to leave one privileged assignment for a completely demeaning assignment due to a series of political maneuvers and lies at work;
  • There were many other issues I cannot mention.
And now 2007. I have a crushing anxiety. Sleep has been minimal. I have a very bad feeling about this year. And I have a overarching sense of mortality, such that I have been re-evaluating every aspect of my life and asking various Large Questions. Important questions.
Change is in the air for me. I know not how or when, or if it will be good or bad. It is not helping that my fiance has just now been assigned to a new work schedule which leaves us with roughly one congruent day off together. I will not be able to share any more meals with her. I will be asleep when she returns from work, and I will leave for work while she sleeps. My bed was empty last night. It will be empty tonight.
There is a shoe present and I sense it is about to fall.
BZ
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10 thoughts on “Change”

  1. I don’t know … you just have to get down, dig your heals in, and hit it head on. As long as you are aware and on your guard, you can change the seemingly bad number into a reasonable one.

  2. ABF: I can certainly hope so. I’m not one necessarily for premonitions but — I don’t know, it’s just such a strange and alien feeling. I’m “off” — well, most people would say I’m “off” already but, I suspect you know what I mean. I just can’t shake the feeling. . .

    BZ

  3. Hell you want feeling you can’t shake…. come up here. We had a blizzard, and it was -30 F here this morning. That should give you something to really shake about …. my point being … everyday you open your eyes is a good day, enjoy it for what ever it’s worth. We create or control a lot of our own destiny through attitude, and I’ve just come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, I’m gonna enjoy every piece of life I can grasp on to….. My past was a mess as well, but what’s behind me is not in front of me.

  5. ABF: Good point.

    BWH: You too; you are logically correct about the numbers. Heavy sigh.

    Sometimes I wonder — I think I’m moving somewhere. On the cusp. Of some kind of major change. Philosophical? Mental? Physical? Something is happening and something is coming. That much I know.

    BZ

  6. We are all on the cusp of change, BZ, each and every hour of our lives. You write beautifully, by the way, I just wish you were more optimistic.

    ABF and BWH are both right. Numbers have no control over our lives; those past things were simply coincidences. If you try hard, you’ll be able to remember bad things that didn’t happen in the years ending in 07. My mother died when I was seven. But when I was 17 I was married and am still married to the same man, happily I might add. In 1970 Walt went to Vietnam, in 1977 his mother died and in 1987 my father died. See what I’m getting at?

    BZ, I believe the world situation is partly responsible for the feeling of depression. Things are going on that are downright scary and I believe we all feel that. Take it one day at a time, do your best each day (and I know that you do) and let God take care of the rest. That’s all any of us can do.

    Blessings!

  7. Gayle: thank you for the kind words about my keystrokes.

    You may be correct about the world situation in general and yes, it would be easy to chalk it up, partially to that. I wish it were simply that easy. I am hoping this is only a passing wind which shall echo and continue down the recessed canyons of my brittle brain.

    BZ

  10. All: and for me, it was starting to get a bit chilly around here, it was 18 degrees this morning (Friday, 01-12-2007) and, during the night, I could hear the wind howling in the tops of the pines.

    BZ

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